2011/11/30

This blog was not supposed to be a depression-diary of mine, yet...

First of all: I am not going to write WHY I feel so bad from now and then because for one thing it's personal and for another thing there is no GOOD reason in my life to feel so depressed.
Second: The reason why I am writing this particular article in English is that usually when I feel bad I talk to myself in English (don't know why) and that I am ashamed a little bit of writing it and it doesn't feel so strong in English.
The disadvantage is the article's poor quality which inevitably follows from that attempt.

Three days of despair and no hope. Three days of pretending to be happy or at least all right.
When you are down, nothing can help. No sports, no good appreciation of your work, no entertainment and especially no alcohol can change anything. And you can keep saying to yourself that everything is ok, that people love you, and that there are a lot of people in the world who have REAL problems – doesn't help.
And the worst is yet to come: When you want to die because of something and then you dream of it during the night and then you wake up in the nightmare of a living hell. And you feel too ashamed to talk to someone because you know that your problems aren't that bad. You are alone, nobody can help you. The only thing that keeps me alive is the slight memory that I've already gone through this many times and that it has been always better after some time.

And suddenly, you wake up, you really wake up. (It's as if you're dreaming of something unpleasant and you try to wake up but after a while you realize that you're still sleeping and you try it again and again and once you wake up truly.) You don't even know how that happened. But the world is sunnier and the look in your eyes is brighter and people around you are more beautiful. And the last few days are veiled in partial oblivion. I wrote two reviews and one seminar paper, I have notes from lectures but I remember nothing.

The only way to protect oneself is the prevention. I know it and I've always known it but I am still not careful enough.

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