2014/01/01

Why I Have Short Hair

I used to have really long hair. I mean, almost to the waist and very thick. Fair and straight. Then once I decided I could try having short hair for a change and someone told me that I could get money for it. Not that much actually, it was like 50 euros but you wouldn't throw them away. I was very surprised how good I looked but first of all it liberated me somehow. Not because of less time spending on doing my hair in the morning – I had never been spending any time on that to be honest – but because I stopped being so obsessed about it. I realized I am just equally pretty without hair and even if I wasn't, who the hell cares.

Then I let my hair grow again. Only because it doesn't matter to me at all.

A long after that I was with my then boyfriend helping his male friends with changing the roof on their wooden cottage in the mountains. That time I was very strong and I really wanted to help but I was not allowed. I was the only woman there and I amazed them by what I was able to carry in my hands but when it came to a real work they were pushing me aside and sending me to the kitchen. I couldn't cook so I just sat there and was sad.
So sad that I longed for getting rid of my womanhood. Instead of cutting away my breasts I cut off my ponytail. The men there were amazed and amused and liked it. They wouldn't understand.

For some time on I was wearing my hair asymmetrical but it looked really bad and some friends of mine had to cut it which I don't like. Now I shave it from time to time and not let it grow over five centimeters. And now I also perfectly know why: When a friend of mine asked me why I have short hair, I realized that I feel more beautiful when I don't have the typical feminine thing which is considered to be the most beautiful part of a woman. I feel less vulnerable as a woman since I don't meet men's requirements. I don't bother to think what people think about me – whether I am a lesbian or a feminist (which I am truly) or a buddhist nun or if I am after chemo.

I love being short-haired and it has nothing to do with the comfort not to have a comb in my bathroom.

5 komentářů:

  1. While I agree with the general idea of confronting the society's effort to genderize you into a position you completely refuse, I am not sure whether the idea of molding your body into one that would not correspond with the accepted notion of femininity is feasible from a long-term point of view. Although I understand how you might feel liberated from the social constrains of the gender - and I am happy you do - by refusing its physical demand, I am a little concerned if a negative approach like the one exposed here is really the best way to approach your body. This is just a speculative thinker's worry (and I am likely imagining a issue where there is none), but I would hope that there is a positive angle to your approach to your body as well. After all, your own body shouldn't be just a vessel to articulate feminist struggle, but also something to appreciate for its own sake. What I am probably trying to say is simply that one should love his body for what it is, rather that for what it is not. I have little to back this statement up, but I felt it might not be a waste for this to be said.

    M.

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    1. My body is for me and very few people in my life to enjoy - I don't have to love them but I want it to be me who decides who can have it (or borrow it if you will).
      And even less people will determine how it will look like (basically - me and a person who lives with me). Do you really think that my own approach to my own body can so much change for the worse because of short hair? It's after all only hair...

      I will love my body more if its beautiful appearance isn't derived only from something as arbitrary as hair. People used to praise my hair now they talk about my face, eyes, shape of my head...
      And I will love my body more if its beauty isn't for everybody to use.

      And... of course I love my body for what is not. For example for not being fat or... for not having long hair.

      The last thing: I am not the one who loves (or doesn't love) his body. Rather her or his or her body.

      I appreciate someone is willing to talk to me in English. Stay tuned! (I know you will...:))

      Vymazat
    2. I didn't mean to say that your approach is changing - obviously it isn't, it just wasn't always about hair, at least not the way you talk about it now - I was rather thinking aloud as to what the consequences of articulating your physical identity vis-á-vis the society at large in a negative fashion might be. What I had on my mind was the general way you might be aesthetically relating to the norm and whether your recognition (and formation) of your own beauty is based solely on the refusal to accept the gender game or if there is another, positive, factor participating on the manner in which you approach your body. Obviously the latter is the case - there endeth my worry.

      Abstract theory aside, I do like the idea of removing the traditional sexual symbols (here mainly hair) to pressure your environs to come to term with your body's appeal in a less erotic way, thus desexualising your whole person. People will come up with other, less straightforward sexual attributes with which to re-eroticise your body, of course, but even that will be already in a dialogue with your body and will have to acknowledge you in a more personal way compared to what would be if you were just long hair and big breasts. In this manner I can also imagine how one could seriously apprehend others' power to use your body at their liberty, as you would always be in control in what you would reveal to be seen or touched, with the traditional symbols, meant to be flaunted - and thus ogled, removed or substantially reduced.

      Still the notion of my body being something to be enjoyed (or used, for that matter) is quite alien to me. While I think I relatively undestand it as a concept, it still feels fundamentally different from the way I approach my body and my body is approached. I'm not even sure if it's a sign of privilege or the contrary, but usually it ends being the former, I gather.

      And as to the last, I'm happy I can help to satisfy a linguistic need, these can be quite hard to satiate. :) If you wouldn't mind, we could try a live conversation sometime, I haven't had the opportunity to have a good talk in English for ages.

      Vymazat
    3. I am afraid it's getting too personal. And there is no way I will talk to you in English in person! I am quite ashamed now already.

      Vymazat
  2. That's unfortunate, fear and shame are on quite the opposite end from the emotions I would like to inspire in you.

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